Tanya (Ex-Girlfriend)

"A Sad Love Story", 2010 ($ource)

Tanya, sometimes referred to as Tanna or Esa on Greg's old websites, was Greg's ex-girlfriend from his teenage years. He stated many times that she was the first person he ever fell in love with. It is not exactly known when they dated.

His relationship with her was very important to him and he would often talk about it on his websites, even after he became married to Skye.

Greg met up with Tanya while he was married in 2009 and tried to get back together with her in 2011 after his first marriage was over.

All of the information on this page is 100% from Greg's own words.

Early Relationship

Greg estimates he met Tanya in 2001. She lived across the creek from his grandma's house. He claims they met at a "celebrative gathering", although she says she never even attended. He noticed her "amazing glow" and her optimism. They did not speak a lot there because he was too preoccupied with telling a relative that was critical of his clothing choice that he would bury their face in the ground.

According to Greg, the next time he saw her was Christmas. They talked and he made her laugh and giggle. He could not stop smiling. They went outside and stared at the sky together, talking about random things. (Source) He says they wandered into the darkness and had their first kiss. "It was one of the most remarkable times of my life..." (Source)

Dating

Although he never officially asked her out, he and Tanya began dating. Greg would beg his mom to take him to visit his grandma so he could cross the creek to visit Tanya. (Source) He said he would go straight to Tanya's house after arriving at his grandmother's. "We would disappear into the woods, exploring… finding any chance to be alone."

He says she obtained priorities and joined the high school debate team. He says she was the only girl he argued with that won 90% of their arguments.

Greg says he was low on money and couldn't find a job, so he worked on her mom's house. He said he was ashamed of taking the money, but would still call her mother asking for work. (Source)

Obsession

Greg expressed, even when writing about this past experience in 2005 and 2008, a very strange obsession with Tanya. He says he was addicted to her voice and presence and he was always desperate to see her. This is something he still expressed in 2005, despite being engaged to Skye.

Greg says while dating her, his "purpose was becoming her". He would often talk to her about their future, but she did not seem to reciprocate these thoughts.

She began calling him less and he described this time period as a mess. (Source)

Break-Up

Tanya broke up with Greg. He says she was the only person that he loved that had broken up with him.

At first, Tanya would continue to talk to Greg after their break-up. She would tell him there are other girls out there for him out there. He would always reply telling her she was the only person that fit him, she was the most amazing person he ever met, and she would be his last (a term he used at the time to describe a lasting marriage). (Source)

Greg says he would continue working on her mother's house in hopes that he would see her, but she was always gone. (Source)

Greg says he cried at night often after they stopped talking. In 2005, he described this as "my entire life took a fall for one of the worst points I had ever experienced."

The only way he knew how to recover from the break-up was to make her the bad guy. He convinced himself she was wrong for him all along. He also convinced himself that she treated him wrongly and she could not care about anyone, as if she had no soul. He says he was not trying to degrade her, but to save himself from heart-ache.

It took him 6 months to begin to find other girls attractive again and longer to want to start dating again. He says it was a daily challenge not to call or email her.

A year after the relationship ended, Greg decided to call Tanya. She was happy he called and they began talking again. (Source)

In 2008, he complains he never had closure from this relationship because Tanya did not support him after she broke up with him and he became unstable. (Source)

Post Break-Up

Websites

"Tanya", Death Reaper song

There are traces of Tanya throughout Greg's pre-YouTube success websites.

2002 Song

On Greg's 2002 Death Reaper website, he had a downloadable song titled "Tanya". This song can still be downloaded off the archived version of the website. (Source)

2005 Onision Website

Sometime around 2005, Greg wrote about Tanya in the Gregory J. Danial version of his Onision site. On the "A Life's Story" page, he accounts important events and relationships he had throughout his life. He says he feels like he and Tanya have lost touch. He went into detail about their relationship. He ends the story y saying he feels like he and Tanya have lost touch. (Source)

He also mentioned her multiple times on the "Digging Deeper" page. On the "Favorite People" section of the page, he wrote: "Tanya, for your wit, your strong opinions, ability to push me into argument-based submission, amazing aspirations & overall grace. Our rare similarities..."

On the "People I've Known" section, he wrote: "A young lady I was once in love with... today I've seemed to find myself pushed further and more so away from her... though I was almost always enlightened by talking with her... I just find myself... distant... like it's all a faded memory..." (Source)

Emails

Years after their break-up, Greg would copy and paste emails he had sent to Tanya to various websites. The earliest of these emails can be read here: The Esa Chronicles. Greg also posted an email called Green And Blue People Theory.

Greg posted several more emails to Tanya on his Evolutionary Saga Blog. On March 29, 2005, Greg sent what appears to be a break-up email to Skye titled "Goobye". He also sent the email to Tanya and asked for her opinion: "What do you think of this Tanna [...]? You're the only one I am asking for a perspective from... I believe in your opinion over all others in this world... I anticipate what your brilliant mind will come up with, as I am always." He later sent a second email where it appears he tried to convince Tanya to take him back. It should be noted the full emails did not archive. (Source) Later that year, Greg and Skye married.

2006 Pictures

In 2006, Greg created two pages on his Onision website dedicated to friends and family. He would write about how important the individual is to him, then post a gallery of photos of them. Greg included Tanya in the friends section and wrote: "This is Tanya [...]... next to my wife, she is one of the most amazing people I know... it's unfortunate that she is a part of my past, and not my current life... but circumstances demand it be so... and so... she remains a pleasant memory." (Source)

2008 Blog Post

On February 21, 2008, Greg was inspired by a dream he had to write a long blog post to Tanya titled, "Tanya [...] - Gregory Misses You Terribly". This blog post was extremely long and detailed about his feeling for Tanya, despite being married for about 3 years to Skye at the time. Greg also provided a photo of Tanya and wrote over it "It's painful to think of the past... for I miss everything about you... - Gregory" He describes Tanya as " is the epitome of the girl who got away" and ends the blog asking her to contact him when she is ready. (Source)

Tanya [...] - Gregory Misses You Terribly
February 21, 2008 by onision

Tanya [...]

I had a dream about her last night… I woke with an immense feeling of loss… a feeling of desperation, and that which is one of my greatest levels of remorse.

Tanya [...] is the epitome of the girl who got away… however in my case, she is the one I couldn’t survive…

She is the girl I dated just prior to marrying Skye [...], who is in every way compatible with me… making us a better pair than I imagine Tanya and I could ever become.

When Tanya broke up with me, I took it harder than I had any girl I had ever dated prior… I cried for days strait, I couldn’t breathe normally, I didn’t want to get out of bed… and for six months after, I wasn’t attracted, interested, even appreciative toward any other girl… I walking pit of despair.

I was angry with Tanya… I told her I would never speak with her again, and then call her days later apologizing… I was so desperate. I even showed up at her house (fortunately entirely stable, and serious, not a mess like I normally was) and spoke with her about the possibilities of our future… her mother told us repeatedly that they were to watch a movie, hinting I leave. After the third time of her mother reminding us they were to watch a movie, I left. Saddened by the loss of my most marvelous relationship to date (until Skye…).

There was a time which I was so poor (as a 17 year old) that I decided to make Tanya a stuffed super hero with stuffing, cloth, and string… I worked for 12 hours on it, and she threw it aside as if it were nothing. I was hurt…

It seemed at times that Tanya didn’t care for me at all… I would call, and receive no call back… I would tell her I loved her, and in return she would say thank you… or nothing at all. Only on the rarest times would she state her love for me…

It was Christmas Eve when we first kissed… my family was gathered together, and Tanya was brought over by my cousin Michelle. She and I had talked before, we had obtained a significant liking for one another… and later that night we walked off into the darkness alone together…

It was one of the most remarkable times of my life… [sighs]

On a regular basis afterward, I would find a way to see her… asking my grandma if I could visit, only to head strait over to her house just after arriving.

We would disappear into the woods, exploring… finding any chance to be alone.

She began to obtain priorities however… she was a member of her High School debate team… she was the only girl I ever argued with who won arguments 90% of the time… every time I debated with her, I would find that I was a better person at the end of the discussion… did she think I was a fool for thinking I had ever won? Why did she leave me?

I used to work on her mom’s house for money. I had no job, I couldn’t find one… I felt somewhat ashamed of taking the money, but I couldn’t afford most everything… so I did… I called her again and again, and she had me work on her home again and again…

Even after Tanya broke up with me, I would still work for her in hopes that Tanya would see me… she never did, she was always gone…

I suppose it was due to the fact that I’m instable at times… that when I see an angel, for what they are, I become obsessed… I lose control of my reason and logic… everything I would prior represent, and dive in. I would take advantage of every outlet just to witness the glow, and grace of such a beauty.

[sighs deeply] Tanya is unlike me… the difference between here and I is that if someone were my ex, and they were obsessing over me, I would support them, and explain everything in regards to how I feel to them… I would provide them closure of some sort… I would care for them.

I have no closure… I am cursed to forever admire her, to forever adore her as if she were better than me… she is amazing when it comes to her mind working like a machine, solving problems, creating retorts to every statement, fighting a verbal battle till her opponent is in submission…

[sighs] The woman I married has become my everything. We love the same things in life, we both have the ability to design graphics, web sites & we are in possession of a similar sense of humor.

There are moments when I see the difference between the two of us… she is not able to create music, just like Tanya was not able to create music. Skye is willing to kill for survival and other reasons, I am not. Skye is not as confident as I am when it comes to speaking to others, which is a skill she will only obtain with experience, and I know she has it in her, I’ve seen it. Skye is… I honestly can’t think of any other differences.

Tanya is a better debater than I am, she is more educated than I am, she has a different view on the world than me, she holds her friends close, and I push mine away till they are friends no more. She is ultimately more capable of conquering the world using her mind alone… I believe her to be my superior in many ways, however I feel she has always lacked the attributes that Skye and I both have, which I would not trade for anything.

She is a different soul. She is a powerful mind, and yet I don’t believe she can feel like we do, not more, or less, but the specific sensations, and logic we possess she does not have, nor will ever acquire in this life.

She did not see me for what I was, due to such immense incompatibility between us, yet a glorifying similarity, I became so very unstable… all these words prior are simply for me to find out what it is that I feel now for her, what it is that has made me feel so remorseful for this past… not for our love… but for our separation as it was…

I believe Tanya is a truly good person, she is one of the greatest human beings I have ever met due to her capacity for divine logic, and her confidence in who she is. Those things combined are immortal in pair, and not even my ability to dissect issues & compromise ill logic could often counter her graceful massacres.

I imagine I’ll get a letter from her mother, or even Tanya, requesting I remove this for degradation of their image. However I can’t pull this down till I get recognition… I want her to know about the dream I had last night…

I was with Skye, much like when Skye and I were dating, and yet I’d contact Tanya in a student/teacher subject matter. I was always out to learn… yet this time I attempted to reacquaint our love. I wanted to be with Tanya again, I even said I would divorce Skye for her… I was so desperate in that dream to see the light of love from Tanya again, that I was willing to sacrifice my life, my love, my everything for her… Tanya.

This is not true to my conscious self… I would not leave Skye for anyone. She is ultimately the reason I live today… I could never betray her, nor would my logic allow due to my incompatibility with Tanya…

However I woke up with a sense of great remorse regardless of the obvious logic to never consider such a thing…

I want Tanya to know that I still think of her as my greatest friend next to my wife… and that I am desperate to talk with her again some day… my mind evolves when I speak with her, and I had always hoped hers did too…

I miss her so terribly… Tanya… please contact me some day, when you’re ready.

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2009 Meeting

Greg met up with Tanya in 2009. "A few months" later, on March 9, 2010, Greg uploaded "A Sad Love Story" to his Speaks channel talking about his relationship with Tanya and their meet up. Greg starts off the video by explaining that he fell hard for the girl he dated before marrying Skye, but she dumped him. He says when he found Skye, he began his recovery. He wipes his nose. As he rubs his forehead, he talks about how he had been in love with this girl for so long. He says he finally fell out of love with her when he was in Korea when he found out she used drugs and "had sex with random people". Before this, he says he respected her and looked up to her because she "owned" him when arguing and would change his perspective.

Greg says he saw her a few months ago and they hugged. His mom was upset with him because she knows how he felt for her. She asked her, "What are you doing here? My son is married." He says he called her after and he told her they could never meet up again, only talk over the phone. He says he did this because Skye was uncomfortable with him being around her. He says he understands her positions and he wanted to respect her wishes. He says he has since called her twice and she never returned her calls. He says this is a reoccurring problem he had with her. He says it's been about 6 or 7 months, so he concludes she did not contact him just for conversation. He thought she was an intellectual rather than someone interested in a person's sexuality or presence. He says she commented about how handsome she thought he was and how her heart would beat irregularly around him because of how much she loves him. He says she told him she wishes she could go back and not break up with him because of who he became. Not the YouTube fame, but the lessons he learned, although he does not want to speak about these lessons on YouTube.

He says this changes how he sees this person and it's unfortunate tat one of the people he respected became so low. He talks to her and says if she ever watches this, he hopes she'd reconsider their friendship. ($ource)

2011

In a 2017 video, Greg revealed he almost got back together with Tanya in 2011. He bought her a plane ticket so she could visit him, but she sent him a message saying she was not sure about the visit. He responded he will cancel the ticket, but she did not see the message and wrote again to him telling him to ignore her last message and she was okay to go. By then he already canceled the ticket. ($ource)